Lying to oneself is self-defeating

and should only be done in the strictest of conditions. 

I walked into the Gateway main bar, surrounded by the beautiful, confident, amazing, vital community I want(ed) to belong to and was floored by a realisation: I will die alone, I do not belong here, I cannot be as beautiful as these people so why am I trying?

With this first realisation came the second; I have been lying to myself. I have told myself time and time again that I am an attractive woman who could get a date or find someone to be with if the mood struck. WRONG! So why do I care? When did I start caring? And why did it hurt when I realised these things?

Does everyone really just want to be wanted? Why had it become so important to me in that moment to be looked at in that way? Was this a gradual thing, or have I been lying to myself about that too?

I thought I had removed that facet of my life, so as to not distract from the other, seemingly more important, parts of my personality. Have I been deluding myself about that too? 

And why aren't I wearing any pants?

I'm trying to find some clarity of mind to reassure myself that I'm not that shallow anymore, but it's a hard trek through rough terrain and I'm not sure I can do it tonight. Sleep, I hope, will clear my mind. And a new webcam.

'Night