<3 i'm not open to love, and i'm okay with that

I realise there are no capitals in the title. I like it that way. So. The last few months huh?

The very complicated relationship ended abruptly in the very worst way and thinking about it still makes me blush in total fury at myself. I was such a total cunt, and that's being nice.

Sex and the City + chocolate + candles = single girl + life-re-evaluating writings. Here they come!

I see myself clearly, I just don't particularly like what I see. "Flaws make people beautiful"? Beauty may only be sink deep, but that's all people see. First impressions last, and I make the impression THAT memorable. I am not looking for love because I know I won't find it again. I don't believe I am attractive to others. So, knowing this, I have doomed (?) myself to singledom for the rest of my life.

I'm 24 and my sex life is completely over.

I might as well be a fucking nun. Although, fucking a nun is one of my fantasies... What am I doing? Society tells me I need to be with someone to be happy and fulfilled as a human being. But thing is, I can't be the person that likes having someone in my space. I can't be in a relationship. I love not having to try so hard, love the freedom, no need to be pretty or butch or sexy or anything better than what I already am. I feel fabulous just being me. I don't need someone to hold my hand or snuggle to sleep or hold the door for me to feel special. As much as I dislike my flaws, I don't care if anyone else likes, hates or even acknowledges them. I don't need or want to impress anyone. I, at 24, am done.

I'm watching Sam as a lesbian. It doesn't work.

I am Miranda. Does this mean I'm going to be a stupid, pathetic woman in a loveless marriage? Do I have to become that person in order to be 'happy' again? I know ignorance is bliss, but come on. Is anyone really like that? 

Should I try dating? Will I ever be ready? I could use more friends, but honestly the ones I have now I barely spend time with and frankly they're exhausting. I really do miss intimacy, and touching and kisses and the nerves of the first date but I can't do it again.

I can't be fucked trying to get fucked, don't need anyone to do it 'cause they'll probably suck at it anyway. Pessimism is my lonely ally today. 

And a lot of that is just self-indulgent bullshit. I am a blogger with emotional problems. OMG, I'm like the only one ever!

Caff, out.